The Fart Anarchy Must Stop
People fart a lot when they’re camping. That’s one of the most beautiful things about the outdoors. It gives you the freedom of flatulence. But some people use that freedom a little too… freely. They lose themselves in the open arms of mother nature and let their insides flow with the gusto of a dam in a wet winter. This becomes problematic in ways you might not expect. So after years of stinky camping trips we decided we needed an established list of rules to prevent further disasters. Here’s what our committee came up with:
- Farting in tents is strictly forbidden when sharing with another person unless that other person is just dozing off, and a well timed fart will wake them up to a prison of trapped air that smells like the inside of your intestines.
- Farting in someone else’s tent and quietly sneaking away is a crime subject to punishment by river dunking.
- Farting in a tent and saying “hey, come check this out” is funny as many times as it works, but it must stop after people catch on.
- You may only blame the noise on an animal a maximum of three times. It loses its charm after that.
- Do not light your farts when camping in a burn-free zone.
- Do not try to light your farts on the communal campfire.
- Do not try to light your farts in a tent.
- Anyone prone to diarrhea may not participate in fart jokes.
- In the event that a pet is sleeping in a tent with other people and starts stinking up the joint, the owner must be willing to put that ugly thing outside for the night.
- All forms of farting are allowed when sitting in your own chair around the campfire.
- If something else comes out, the offending party must do the awkward side scoot to change their clothes before any more damage can be done to other campers.
- When someone exhibits tonal technique they are owed a round of applause.
- While hiking, you must warn the person directly behind you.
- All rules are subject to change if mom is there.
We believe this covers all the basics, and by following these rules everyone should get home safe and sound. But we welcome any feedback or suggestions on the matter, as we recognize we can’t cover every flatulence contingency.
In the meantime, we wish you happy camping and remind you to take a roll of toilet paper just in case.
Here’s a printable version of the rules for you to take camping.