3 Places Camouflage Gear Won’t Help You
If camo gear is not appropriate you should ask yourself why the hell you are even there.
Whether you want to blend into your surroundings or just like the way it looks, camouflage gear is a favorite among those of us who spend a good deal of time in the great outdoors. Camouflage reminds us of the places where we spend our time away from people and obligations, doing many of the things we love most like hunting, fishing, hiking and drinking. But it may not be the best option for a few unfortunate situations. Here is a small list of a few places it would probably be best for you to wear your regular clothes or just avoid these locations or events all together.
Big City Clothing Store
When in the city, it’s not uncommon to find yourself stranded in a clothing store with your significant other. And not the fun kind of store with a glass case of knives on the back wall. The kind with suits and high heels and people searching through eighty different kinds of black dresses with varying quantities of cotton and polyester in the hopes that they’ll find the one they saw in a fashion themed reality show the other night.
Don’t panic, but it’s very common to be asked your opinion on clothes in this situation. If you’re caught in such an event, your instinct will be to hide in your camo sleeping bag and go to sleep. This will not work. You are more likely to look like a homeless person than avoid providing your assessment on the pointy toe pumps you saw five shoes ago. One word of advice when you are asked your opinion in such a store. It is best not to respond that last winter you fashioned footwear out of a beaver pelt that looked more appealing than the shoes in question. This sort of response will only prolong your unfortunate retail expedition.
Your Friend’s Wedding
Congratulations to your friend and all, but these things involve a lot of talking to people you don’t know and, in the worst case scenario, giving speeches. So we understand your impulse hide behind your camouflage backpack and eat all the cake and chicken you sneaked into it earlier. Unfortunately, most people wear plain black and solid bright colors at weddings, so your Realtree sweatshirt or MultiCam jacket will be easy to spot from across the room, and you will still be accosted for conversation and toasts.
The best advice we can offer for getting out of a conversation at a wedding is to fake a heart attack and then go fishing after the ambulance drops you off. But since that wastes the EMTs time, it’s really not ideal. If you come up with a better idea, please let us know.
A park might seem like a ideal location for your camo tent, but trust us, it will make you stick out like an orange vest. You will not be invisible to the loud teenagers playing basketball thirty yards away, and the ranger will still see you trying to fish in the duck pond. City parks are for picnics, watching children vomit, buying drugs and walking without a point. We recommend avoiding them entirely.